Happy

I was off being a "bulimic shopper" (that's what an employee at American Eagle called me. hehe) and I was alone.. and I was thinking. I really wish I could talk to my Dad. I want to pick up the phone and talk to him. It really sucks that he isn't just up the road any longer. Being young, you really take your parents/family for granted. You think your family is always going to be around. They will die someday, you know, but you just know they are going to be really old and have lived an amazing life. Right? I always thought that.
I think about how I didn't see my Dad enough. He'd call me on my cell.. "Hey, Chalou! When you gonna come up and see your old man?" and I'd ALWAYS say "I'm just so busy Dad. You know if I didn't live with Mom, I wouldn't see her either.." I kick myself everyday for that. I want to take it all back. If I could, I would have been up there ALL the time, would have never fought with him, never missed a holiday or birthday, I would have bought him the best gifts just because, I would have said I love you more..
I find myself being envious of others with dads. For real! I know that sounds lame.. I'll hear someone complaining about something their Dad did... or talk about going out for their Dads bday.. and all I think is "Well, aren't you sweet.. Wish my dad was here." How childish is that? :) I can't help it though. I even get jealous of Halsie sometimes. Just hearing her talk about her Dad.. using that word.. Makes me a little sad in my heart.
Sometimes I hear his voice. I don't want to sound like a crazy, but I'll hear plain as day "Chalou! Who's the coolest Beatle?" or "Chelsea sooo fancy.. fancy lady Chelsea." :) I hear him say "hello" and "Love you" I just wish it was real. Wish he was behind the corner. I find myself "seeing" him around town. What I mean is.. I'll see a man. Any man.. and I automatically find something he has in common with my Dad. For example.... "Ah. Look at the guy .. he wears glasses. Dad wore glasses." or "Ah. Look at that bum. He is in flannel. Dad loved Flannel." :) I hated that Dad smoked. I hated the smell.. I HATED it.. but now. When I smell people who smoke.. my mind automatically shifts to Dad. I want to hug them. I would give anything to snuggle up in his chest and take a deep breathe in of his smell. Feel his chest against my head.
But, I know all this sounds sad. I am sad. But I am also so happy. I am so lucky and blessed to have such an awesome, groovy Dad! I was definitely a "daddy's girl." I wanted to be just like him when I was little. He liked pickled eggs? Then I liked pickled eggs.. He liked Zappa? I liked Zappa!!! He taught me to fish, camp, garden.. I learned my great work ethic from him. He also taught me to love all people.. except the assholes. ;) He would either give them "Death.. or Hospital" options.. He would do anything for his kids. I mean it. Even if it meant beating up an 8th grader. (he never did that.) He could always tell when something was eating me.. he'd say "You ok? Someone effin' with ya? Do I need to kick someone’s ass?" :) lol.. I love him.
I know he is here. I know he watches over all of his family. I know he's so happy and just waiting for the day when we can all be together again. I'm at peace knowing that he is with my future children, nieces, nephews, etc.. I love that Halsie is pregnant right now. When Sydney is born, I'll know she was just with my Dad. And I love think about that kind of shit.
So, I want to say Thank You! To the worlds GREATEST Dad! And worlds GREATEST family too!
I'm just really happy.