The Sad Post

I guess this post has to be written. You can't say you're having a baby and then never post pictures of your growing belly or of the new baby.

Monday was a really crappy day for us. I went to work as usual. Was pretty excited that I was 10 weeks that day and that I was almost out of the woods (almost done with the 1st trimester). The ultrasound tech's at work wanted to look at our growing baby. It should have been over an inch long and moving all around. But, unfortunately, there was no heartbeat with the babe anymore. I had no symptoms of a miscarriage and was really confused.

I called my doctor immediately and they had me come in for a vaginal ultrasound. The tech was very nice and told me very honestly what was going on. My uterus and gestational sac were still growing, but the embryo had died at 7 weeks. I also had a mass growing inside with the embryo. I spoke with my doctors office and they made me an appointment to visit with Dr. Jones the next morning. They told me not to eat or drink anything after midnight, because he'll more than likely want to take it out himself so he can see what the mass was.

I was OK. But don't get me wrong, I was upset too. I wanted to be a Mom. I wanted to hold that baby in July. But I know that something had to have been wrong. And that's why he was called home.

I could not sleep that night. I kept tossing and turning. Thinking about them "taking it out." Wondering why all of my family on the other side were not there watching over me and my baby. I was just really confused and sad. Eventually, I feel asleep. Brandon and I both woke early, got ready and were out the door WAY too early for our appointment. I think we both just wanted to get it over with. I was STARVING at this point and it was only 9 am. I was still sick with morning sickness, still craving food, my belly was starting to show.. it was killing me to know it was for nothing. Now I wanted it out.

We got to the doctors office 30 minutes early. That was a dumb idea. I had to sit there with pregnant women and newborn babies. I cried.. felt stupid for crying.. so I cried over that too.

They did get us back really fast (considering). And they were all very kind and caring, but at the same time I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to get it over with. Dr. Jones came in to talk to us (he really is the best doctor), he is so kind and sincere. He told me I could either wait and let my body do things on its own, or I could have him do it today (which is what he wanted). I wanted it that day too, so they called Same Day Surgery at the AF hospital and got me in at 12:30 PM.

Brandon and I went over to Brynn's house to kill time before the surgery. Her kids are so cute and really cheered me up. Brynn fed Brandon and the kids, while I sat back and wished I could eat a corn dog too. :)

Brandon and I made it to the surgery center 15 minutes before my appointment. This place was a zoo. There were SO many people there. We got our papers filled out and had a seat in the waiting area.. we waited for a hour to be taken back. You can only imagine how HUNGRY I was. I was getting really ornery.

They finally took us back! After I got in my gown, I laid there for another 30 minutes before the nurse came back to start my IV. It was just a bag of saline, but I wanted it so bad. I was so dehydrated. She was called out of our room before starting the IV, this really upset me. At this point I didn't know if I was crying over sadness or hunger. Finally, she was back and got everything set up. Now we just had to wait on the lab to get my blood results back (why they didn't do them while I was waiting, I will never know).

The anesthesiologist came in at about 3 pm and gave me the meds.. I instantly started to feel sleepy. They wheeled me into the OR and that's the last thing I remember.
I awoke in recovery. I was in SO much pain. I might have said the "F" word.. Brandon informed me not to say those words and that an 8 year old boy was recovering in the same room as us. Oops. They gave me some pain meds and the pain started to get dull. We were finally allowed to go home. Hooray!

Although this is so sad. And it hurts to think about, it has also reminded me how much my family and friends love me. I have had so much love shown to me in just a matter of days. How lucky am I?

I know Brandon and I will have a baby, this time just wasn't right. That baby will return again when he is ready.

We have a follow up appointment with Dr. Jones in 2 weeks. Hopefully he can shed some light on what that mass was and if that's the cause of the miscarriage.

I'm sorry to have such a sad story right before Christmas, but I wanted to share this with the people that I might not get to talk to.